I met my first ENM date through the dating app Feeld, which caters for the polyamorous and kink communities to find like-minded people. My date and I (also ENM) had an upfront and frank conversation about what we were looking for, what our boundaries were, how many people we were actively seeing. I was taken aback by how liberating something seemingly so straightforward felt. The reality was a little different, however.

When our text conversation dwindled one Friday evening, for example, I knew he was on a date, which caused my brain to immediately go into overdrive. I began going over his Instagram followers, trying to work out who it could be, would he find her more attractive? Will he take her where we went on our last date? Will she also love that obscure jazz musician he was trying to get me into? In the middle of this spiral, I managed to take a step back and ask myself: do I actually care or am I allowing my ego to cloud my judgment? The answer, I realised, was no. I didn’t really care whether he found her prettier or took her to the same restaurant we’d gone to. Really, my reaction was more to do with the way I’d learnt to behave in a romantic setting through pop culture and in past relationships. We’re taught to be territorial – and to want to feel like the only object of our lover’s affection, which is driven by ego, I believe. And I was brushing right up against mine.

Actively knowing the person I’m dating is on dating apps and talking to other women put my ego (temporarily) into a tailspin. I reminded myself that in this situation, however, I was not being compared to these other dates. It wasn’t me or her. If the date went well, he would be dating her as well – not instead of. We could happily coexist. On top of that, I was free to date other people too. This realisation felt like a breakthrough.

“Ethical non-monogamy made me confront my ego”