It’s 5.45pm on a Thursday, and you’re packing up your things in the office before heading off to meet your mate at Gloria’s at 7pm. You’ve been buzzing about these dinner plans all day, but as you walk to the bus stop, your phone pings in your pocket. “So sorry, love – Jim got out of working a late shift, and I haven’t seen him properly this week, so we’re going to stay in tonight.”

It’s understandable that having a partner can change a person’s priorities and responsibilities in life. Cancelling a plan here and there because your friend now has plans with their partner or wants to spend quality time with their significant other is fairly reasonable. However, it becomes frustrating when a friend regularly flakes on plans with you because of their partner. It makes you feel as though you’re simply second best or just a way to fill time while their partner is busy. This is the classic ‘relationship flake’.

Why do they do it? Blame their brain. According to psychologist and relationships expert Natasha Tiwari, the relationship flake prioritises their partner because, evolutionarily, forming and maintaining a strong pair bond has been crucial for survival. “The brain’s reward system reinforces attachment, often at the expense of wider social bonds. The older we become, the brain’s neural networks prime us towards investing in fewer, more crucial networks, and this can then drive this kind of decision making.”

How to handle the relationship flake: Psychotherapist Tina Chummun, says: “An honest and constructive conversation about your friendship could be helpful in not only getting your feelings heard to your friend but also in opening up that channel of communication so they can explain their side of things too. You could start with a positive about how much you appreciate the friendship and miss their company and then explain how bailing on you to hang out with their partner makes you feel.

However, this honesty and reflection may come at a cost, and that’s something you should think about. Do you feel as though your friend is prepared to hear about their flakiness? Do you feel emotionally strong enough to vocalise your thoughts?”

“Why are my friends so flaky?”: the psychology behind the 7 types of flakes and how to handle them