“As a new mum, we might put ourselves under pressure to reject this change, to continue to be the friend that we have always been, and in some ways this can be helpful as our friendships can help us to retain a sense of continuity when everything else has changed,” she tells me. “But this can also leave us feeling overwhelmed and lost, or as if we are trying too hard to be an old version of ourselves.”

It’s something that therapist Tami Sobell finds her clients grappling with a lot. “This struggle to retain friendships and also maintain a sense of yourself as the friend you were before children is one that many mothers will attest to as an ongoing process,” she says. “As a new parent, or even as a parent at any point down the line, what we need from our friends changes and what we are able to offer in return changes too.”

She often advises clients to involve their friends in this complex adjustment. “Be honest with your friends about the fact that you’re struggling and tell them that even though in an ideal world you’d like to be present for all their life events, the demands of motherhood mean you are only able to give so much elsewhere,” she says. As well as this, Sobell emphasises that acknowledging this change, rather than pushing against it, can help us to better ascertain what we are able to give our friends during this new phase of our life. “I always tell my clients that there are two parts to any friendship – the practical (e.g. how often we meet up, speak on the phone or message) and the fundamental (e.g. our genuine curiosity and care about the other’s life) – and while the practical will ebb and flow throughout our lives, the fundamental should stay steady through a healthy relationship,” she explains. “If you can find ways to communicate the fundamentals still exist though the practicals have changed, you’ll likely find you are met with more empathy, acceptance and understanding than you might have anticipated.”

I have found the most helpful way forward for me has been to get clear on who my core friends are, the ones that are really in my inner circle, and then prioritise being a consistent friend as much as possible to them. So, if I have a gaggle of people waiting for a response on WhatsApp, I’ll make sure I reply to these core people first, or check in to make plans with them ahead of others if I have time and energy, rather than attending the birthday party of a less close friend, and I make sure I am honest with them about where I am at. It’s not a perfect solution – there are still days where I gulp down guilt or yearn for the friend I used to be – but it has helped me feel more accepting of the parenthood-friendship paradigm.

As a friend recently told me, sometimes one person is required to do more heavy lifting than the other for a while. I can never be the friend I was pre-baby, and that’s OK.

“I’m worried I can never be the friend I was before motherhood. Will my friends understand?”