Beware of unworthy authority

It’s amazing, and not in a good way, how someone’s withering remark can be wounding. These remarks often come without full clarity. Said in a jolly tone, possibly a few drinks in, a relative questions you about why you’ve made a life decision. What’s framed as a friendly interrogation suddenly no longer feels all that friendly but rather judgmental and condescending.

Clients in therapy often describe these drive-by snarky comments that have left them reeling. A mother-in-law makes a snide quip about mothers who work and neglect their children. She was a stay-at-home. You work. Is she telling you that you’re a bad mother? A sibling is praised by family for getting such a big bonus. Are you inadequate for earning significantly less money?

The point is that as far as you’ve come in your life, as much as you’ve grown and developed and individuated, coming back for Christmas can quickly turn you from feeling like an adult to feeling like a squirming and misunderstood child.

Remember that no one has the authority to determine your worthiness as a human being. Whether it’s a relative or your partner, consider the source. There are invariably biases and blindspots in how your character and life are viewed. Remind yourself that you have authority when it comes to your sense of self. Of course, other people’s voices will have an impact on your self-esteem at moments, but you’re the one living your life.

Self-gift

You can be imaginative or materialistic with this one, but make it something lovely and simply something you want. With all of the present pressure at this time of year, there can be a peculiar feeling of deprivation. You might be surrounded by excess — spending, eating, socialising — yet feel empty. A gift to yourself won’t fill you entirely, but let it count for something, and really take it in.

For one person in therapy, her self-gift was travelling separately from her friends. She enjoyed her own company and loved not being told what to do. She ducked conversations she’d dreaded and avoided social anxiety and feelings of entrapment. Even though Christmas was imperfect (it almost always is) she felt joy for making this choice for herself.

How to navigate family dynamics (and avoid arguments) this Christmas