I’ve been estranged from my biological dad for the vast majority of my life, but sometimes he takes it upon himself to message me on special occasions, and it puts a real dampener on things whenever he does. I don’t want to reply telling him to stop because a reply is clearly what he wants and I have no interest in being ghosted again (he’s done this a few times over the years), so what can I do to handle it better without involving him?

“This is really sad and, of course, there’s so much background here that I don’t know,” says Abse. “Presumably, you’ve thought long and deep about not wanting any contact, and there’s very good reason for it, so I think it’s about preparing yourself. If the appearance of his message on your phone on Christmas Day stirs up so much, then I’d say there’s quite a lot of unresolved stuff involved. And perhaps the job is not to leave it until Christmas to address this, but to spend some time in the run-up talking it through with either your family or friends or, if necessary, with a therapist. This is often the problem at Christmas: if you leave all your emotional baggage untouched and don’t work on anything, everything feels heightened when you step into your family (or your family approaches you). The job is to do the work beforehand, and not put pressure on yourself to be immune to the traumas, upsets and difficulties that are in our families just because it’s Christmas.”

How to handle your family this Christmas: a psychologist-led guide to tackling sibling rivalry, unsolicited advice and difficult in-laws