The coffee clearly wasn’t meant to be, because we ended up standing outside the library chatting for so long that the cafe had stopped serving drinks by the time we tried to order. But I remember thinking that I didn’t want to chalk this up to just a nice interaction with a lovely stranger, so we swapped Instagram details and decided to hang out again.

A few weeks later, we met for coffee at one of Clare’s favourite cafes near her house. I was slightly nervous that maybe it would be awkward or we’d have nothing to say to each other, but I needn’t have been. We talked about more than just books that afternoon, even delving into our love lives, heartbreak and our experiences dating in London; I felt comfortable and at ease the whole time.

Not much has changed about our friendship since then: we send each other supportive words of encouragement (or selfies) on Instagram and meet for after-work drinks at the pub. However, what meeting Clare has given me is the courage to strike up a conversation with a stranger, even if society may think it’s odd or judge you for it. If I’m waiting at a bus stop and like someone’s dress, I make the effort to tell them. Most of the time, I’m not expecting us to become the best of friends, but at the very least, it could make their day just a bit brighter.

So how can we be more spontaneous when making friends, especially in adulthood? Here’s what friendship experts have to say.

Know that you’re not the only one seeking new friends

“Don’t fall prey to the mindset that you are the only person seeking new friends. Friendships are dynamic, changing over time, and many other people are similarly seeking to build new friendships,” explains Irene S Levine, psychologist, friendship expert and co-producer of Friendship Rules. She suggests starting off with “a smile and simple conversation” about anything from the weather to sports or pop culture – and seeing how that person responds.

If they aren’t interested or you get rejected? “Don’t take it personally. Someone may be busy, in a bad mood or simply not interested,” says Levine.

Decide what you want from friendships at this point in your life

Counselling Directory member Tina Chummun says it’s important to think about your wants and needs from friendships, so you have a better idea of where to meet new friends and what forms the basis of these friendships. She suggests asking yourself three questions:

How do you want to find this friendship? (Are you OK with finding them online, for example? Would you want to meet them in person? Or would you want to be introduced to them through a specific interest group?)
How much time do you have to dedicate to finding new friendships?
What do you want to talk about with your new friends? Do they need to share the same interests as you?

“By knowing more about yourself in relation to finding new relationships, you’ll be able to get a sense of how you feel when you meet someone new. Thinking about these questions in advance will also mean you being able to be spontaneous when you do find someone to be friends with out of the blue,” she explains.

Strike up a conversation around a shared experience or interest

Sue Tappenden, a leadership and personal development coach, says: “[A] shared experience is always going to be a good subject on which to start a conversation with someone new – perhaps something you are both doing or have seen or experienced.”

A love of or interest in similar things can be a solid starting point for conversation, as well as “offering some clues that you think similarly and share interests – both great indicators that you may get on well and a good basis on which to build a friendship”.

Tappenden also says that sitting on the same delayed train or watching your kids play in a playground “may well provide opportunities to spark a connection through observation, shared frustration, laughter or something else”.

Don’t expect too much too soon

“Be realistic with your expectations of the friendship, especially if it’s new,” says Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice. “Don’t rely on the other person too much or expect too much from them too soon as this could create a codependent relationship or drive the other person away if they feel too much pressure initially.”

Stay open-minded and ask questions

Thomas also reminds us to remain open-minded: “If you want to make friends spontaneously, it’s important to remember that you might not have loads in common, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t develop a friendship.” Because of this, it’s important to try not to judge someone too quickly if they have a different mindset or views to you.

Chummun also suggests asking questions related to the context you’re in – whether that’s the workplace or a delayed train. “You can then ask them questions relating to the meeting context you’re in. People like to talk about themselves and so the more open questions you can ask them the more they may be willing to talk to you.”

Suggest meeting up again, going for a coffee or swapping contact details

This can take quite a bit of courage but it’s the only way a friendship could develop from your initial interaction or conversation.

“Letting them know how you’re feeling about making the suggestion can be helpful for you both and will set the scene about what’s coming next. Perhaps something like: ‘I feel a bit nervous asking you in case you don’t want to, but I was wondering if you fancy a coffee somewhere at the weekend?’

“The worst that can happen is that they say ‘no’ (and even then, that can be for a range of reasons and nothing to do with you) and you can see what happens next,” says Tappenden.

“We met in a train station; now I can’t imagine life without her”: how to make spontaneous friendships as an adult