What does a narcissistic mother look like?

“Growing up with a narcissistic mother can have a significant impact in both childhood and adulthood,” says Catherine Hallissey, a chartered psychologist. “Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of importance and a deep need for validation and admiration, which can greatly impact their ability to meet their child’s emotional needs. Instead, they prioritise meeting their own needs and desires, often neglecting their child as they do so.”

Narcissistic mothers may also try to control their children through emotional manipulation such as blaming, guilt-tripping and excessive criticising, which Hallissey says can cripple daughters’ self-esteem. Their parenting as a result might be inconsistent, alternating between overindulgence and neglect. Because this mother-daughter relationship looks very different from the one idealised in our culture, Hallissey explains that daughters of mothers with narcissistic traits often feel lonely, ashamed and isolated.

This is something Charlotte experienced during her own adolescence when she began struggling with the eating disorder anorexia. Instead of focusing on how the eating disorder would impact Charlotte, her mother complained that in comparison to Charlotte’s frail frame, she looked fat.

Time and time again, throughout her childhood, Charlotte says she was made to feel inadequate and silenced by her mother. “I was told I was stupid, fat, and ugly,” she says. “That I wasn’t as clever as her.”

As an adult, Charlotte has tried to put boundaries in place so that she interacts with her mother only when necessary, moving six hours away to create distance – but the relationship has still left a hangover of low self-worth. “I constantly strive for more in my career and home life because of what [my mum] put me through,” she says. “It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m living a double life because I’m carrying this dirty little secret about how terrible my mother has been and how much it’s affected me.”

Setting boundaries in the relationship

Even though Charlotte insists her mother is narcissistic, she was never officially diagnosed. The only way to obtain an official diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is through a psychologist or psychiatrist – and Hallissey doesn’t generally advise people to ask anyone to seek out a diagnosis. “You could be wrong or you could further rupture the relationship,” she explains.

Feeling unseen: how growing up with a narcissistic mother affects your self-esteem