Confession: I am a bit of a people-pleaser. Whether it’s nodding along to things I actively disagree with, inviting people around to socialise when I have an imminent deadline or shelling out large amounts of money to plan events for my friends, it’s a trait that’s landed me in uncomfortable situations time and time again. It’s only recently, however, that I’ve begun to understand how closely it’s linked to another tricky role I inhabit – that of the ‘planner friend’.

If you haven’t heard the term ‘planner friend’ before, it’s likely that you aren’t one (believe me, you’d know). We’re the ones in a friendship group who enthusiastically dive into planning the annual friend group holiday (we find the hotel, the flights, create a list of sightseeing activities), coordinate the joint gift for a friend’s 30th birthday and organise another’s baby shower. It can be a rewarding (if exhausting) impulse that is often propelled by the desire to make others happy.

I’m not the only one who’s been thinking about its pitfalls of late, either: TikTok is awash with videos with creators sharing their experiences as the ‘planner friend’. Unsurprisingly, the hashtag has over 124,000 posts under it. “This is your reminder: take care of your Type A planner friends,” says creator Lily B (@lilyontiktokkk) in one such video. “If you’re the person in the group chat who’s not responding or responds once every two weeks with negativity or more questions, get on board. These people are not full-time trip planners.”

“Resigning as ‘the planner friend’ helped me overcome my people-pleasing”