Regularly spend time apart

“My husband and I started going out in 2004 when we were both 17. Three years later, I went to university. It was clear after a couple of weeks that long-distance wasn’t working and we made the decision to call it a day,” says Emily, 36. “We were both heartbroken, but we couldn’t make it work. We spent the next year apart – I was at university and he went travelling. A few weeks into my second year at university, he messaged to say he was coming home and wondered if he could stay at mine for a bit in London. I met him at the airport, he picked me up, kissed me and moved in. It was like something out of a romantic comedy.”

“We’d both changed significantly in that year. Before, we’d been in each other’s pockets constantly. After that year-long break, we were more independent. We realised it was okay to have time apart and now we’ve built that into our lives. My husband goes to classic car shows with his friends and it’s important for him to have that time away. I volunteer for local political organisations and that’s my thing. We also go on holiday separately sometimes – I’ll go with my friends and he’ll go with his.

“This Christmas, it’ll be 20 years since we first got together – we’ve just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and we have a seven-year-old son. If we hadn’t broken up back then, there’s no way we would be together now. We learned that it wasn’t healthy having our lives so intertwined.”

Make compromises

“Having time apart meant we could work out what we valued most, and we became better at communicating with each other,” says Emily. “We understand each other’s needs and communicate more effectively. For example, it always used to cause an argument if I stayed out later than I said I would. When we got back together we changed from saying, ‘I’ll be back by 11’ to ‘I’ll be late’. We still stay in touch and check in with each other, but I don’t feel pressured to cut a night out short to meet a deadline.

“We’ve learned the value of communication – we’re both able to accept that sometimes we might do something that the other person isn’t so happy about, but we come to better compromises. Having that break made us stronger.”

“I got back together with my partner after a 4-year gap”: Women reveal the simple changes that helped their relationships thrive the second time round