3. You fake it

Faking and hiding how you really feel is socially necessary occasionally but friendship thrives from realness. If you’re not yourself with your friends, you’re blocking emotional intimacy. Think of the last time you said something you didn’t mean or agreed with a friend about disliking someone you actually like or said you’re loving your job but didn’t mention the bully. Sometimes a mask keeps you safe, but it can also be a form of self-betrayal. Hiding can be a barrier to the close rapport of being open and accepted for what feels unacceptable. It’s exhilarating when you can be yourself with a friend and you both survive. If you have people-pleasing tendencies, you may be performing more than you realise with certain friends, trying to be acceptable and likeable at your own expense.

Faking agreement so you can seem accommodating and nice usually creates hassle. You might be someone who says yes to a plan and cancels closer to the time. Rather than create confusion and additional work for everyone, consider the efficiency of saying no sooner. You may feel the honest bite of disappointing friends when you say no, but it’s real and survivable and liberating.

4. You’re possessive

When a friend detours from the picture of life you thought you both signed up to, it’s quietly disturbing. A man in therapy described to me his unease when an old friend began a new career path. He told him it was a bad idea, and the friend was offended. Without explicitness, he thought they’d committed to a shared path together, and this wasn’t what he planned in his fantasies of glory.

Possessiveness usually comes from loss of control. But it rarely gives you actual control. Not the kind that works in friendship love, anyway. Everyone has their own style and definitions, but broadly speaking, I think friendship flourishes when FAM is in place: freedom, appreciation and mutuality. Possessiveness unbalances all three. You might think you’re appreciating your friend by wanting what’s best. It’s still not up to you, even if your blueprint for the future seems healthier. It’s upsetting to see a friend become a version of themselves you barely recognise. It can feel quietly startling, the sense of alienation. Be compassionate to yourself if you’re anxious and insecure about your relationship. Recognise and appreciate these issues for yourself. Your friend changing is not your responsibility.

Here are 5 ways you may be unconsciously sabotaging your friendships