“Masturbating boosted my confidence, but my partner doesn’t like it”

Rhiannon, 30, Wales

“I’d been having sex for three years before I discovered masturbation, and I’d never had an orgasm. I remember frantically googling ‘what does an orgasm feel like’ to see if I’d somehow missed it – of course, when it happened, I knew.

“Up until then, my sex life had been all about pleasing the guy: I’d go through a full prep routine to make sure my body looked a certain way and put on matching underwear. Once I discovered masturbation, I was less bothered by all that. Through my 20s, my confidence grew and I was more interested in pleasing myself. If I’d discovered masturbation sooner, I think I would have had better self-esteem.

“I remember my mum being horrified when, as a teenager, we were watching something on TV that referenced masturbation. She said, ‘I didn’t even know what that was until I was married.’ Now I’ve got a baby daughter and I plan to be much more upfront about sex, orgasms, bodies and masturbation: I’m going to call everything by its proper name and tell her about the importance of self-pleasure.

“I don’t seem to have the time for masturbating as much now, though, and my partner doesn’t really like me indulging in solo play. That feels a bit ironic, given how liberating it was to learn what I liked sexually and feel empowered enough to ask for it, but he thinks we should ‘save ourselves’ for each other. I’ve got a vibrator called Mr Big that I keep next to the bed and I think he finds that emasculating, though he’s never directly said so. Fortunately, he’s away a lot with work, so there are opportunities…”

8 women get real about their masturbation habits – from lunch break orgasms to finding new confidence