“She kept telling me she didn’t want to label it”

Allie, 32, together with her partner for six months

I’d been with a girl for six months when I realised I had to walk away. We met on an app, and it was going pretty well, but she kept telling me she didn’t want to ‘label it’, even though I really did and was keen for that security. After a big discussion, she told me she fundamentally didn’t believe in monogamy and probably never would – she said she thought it was partly because of her parents’ divorce, and partly because that’s just who she is. It was completely fair enough, but I wish she could have told me from the start. I guess she hadn’t fully realised herself until we reached that moment. It was tough, but in a way I’m glad it happened early on because it confirmed to me what I’m looking for and taught me how to spot the signs. When someone is avoiding that conversation it might be because they don’t know how they feel – about you, yes, but also maybe about their attitude towards relationships in general.

“I begged him to stay with me as I was really struggling with early motherhood”

Rachel, 36, together with her partner for four and a half years

The first sign was him feeling anxious about fatherhood when I was coming towards the end of pregnancy, which he had counselling for. I’d hoped it was just pre-baby jitters. But after our daughter was born, he became distant and I felt very alone. He would often disappear for long periods and be uncontactable. It came to a head when he told me he didn’t love me anymore. I begged him to stay with me as I was really struggling with early motherhood. A few weeks later, he disappeared again. In a panic, I confided in his mother, who was horrified and reached out to him. After they spoke on the phone, she texted me and told me she was sorry, but it sounded as if his mind was made up and that he’d been feeling this way for a long time. That was the moment I realised the relationship wasn’t salvageable or fixable.

“Someone else asked me out for a drink, and I discovered I wanted to go”

Ellie, 31, together with her partner for two years

I knew my relationship of two years was over when I started messaging a musician I’d had a crush on for years. When they asked me out for a drink I decided to break up with my then-boyfriend because a) I wanted to go and b) I wanted something to happen between us (I never have and never will cheat). My boyfriend hadn’t been the best boyfriend, let’s say – we had broken up a couple times before – but there had been love there once. Ultimately, though, the feeling I got messaging the musician – the excitement, the possibility – confirmed it was fully over.

“I wish I’d had the confidence to end things sooner”

Gemma, 32, together with partner for two and a half years

During the final year of our relationship, I’d been reluctant to admit there was anything wrong between us. He was my first serious boyfriend and things escalated quickly after we met. We moved in together after only a few months and had serious conversations about getting married. But things changed over time. He would spend longer periods away from home and we would have terrible rows, often ending in him slamming the door and leaving. Looking back, things were seriously broken, but admitting this felt like a failure. Things came to a head when he stormed out of our house after a big argument and didn’t come back. As the days rolled on and he hadn’t come home, I realised that it really was the end. I look back on that period now and I wish I’d had the confidence to end things sooner. But I know the ‘me’ now in my 30s would, and it’s thanks to that experience.

“He asked if I’d be comfortable with a friends-with-benefits situation”

Sarah, 33, in a situationship for nine months

We met while studying for a Master’s degree. We had an immediate connection that blossomed in the first few months of our course, and after a lot of flirting, we finally became something like a relationship, except that it never really was. Despite all the lovely things he would say to me during dates, nights out and over messages, he was never willing to fully commit and officially call me his girlfriend. One day he asked whether I’d be comfortable with a friends-with-benefits situation. It was the moment I realised he was never going to respect the relationship in the way that I wanted, and if I kept it going on his terms, I was going to get hurt. I ended it right there and then.

*All names have been changed

“My spidey-senses were tingling”: 7 relationship-ending moments from the women who felt them