As told to Holly Bullock

There are three main ways our adult relationships mirror relationships we’ve experienced in the past. Firstly, it’s the way we, as children, perceived our parents’ relationship – we can later play out this script in our own relationships. Another is couples relating through a lens which is about unconsciously recreating something between themselves and a sibling (often, very competitive couples have had sibling relationships that have been similarly fraught). The final way, which is definitely the most common, is when at least one partner relates to the other in a way that reflects something about their own relationship to a parent – and this can create a parent-child dynamic in this adult relationship.

It’s very common for one person to be more parental, more “in charge” and, perhaps, more attentive than the other person in romantic relationships. It’s also common for the other person, in turn, to get more care and attention and to be relieved of all sorts of responsibilities. For the person doing the caring, maybe their way of managing things that have been difficult in the past has been to be the grown-up, so it’s familiar to them. And for the other person, getting lots of care and attention relieves them of having to be a grown up themselves, which has been a similar kind of coping mechanism.

Are you in a parent-child relationship with your partner? This is what a top relationship therapist wants you to know