During my interviews, the term ‘de-escalation’ was brought up often in the context of dealing with poly splits. The term – coined by author Amy Gahran – denotes the traditional rites of passage that people are expected to go through when they’re in a relationship. As Yau explains, “you date, you go exclusive, at some point, you get married, you move in together, you have kids, you stay together until you die”.

“De-escalation means taking steps down from that, moving the relationship back and taking out certain responsibilities while leaving others in,” she says. “It can really be nice for people who want to preserve some aspects of the connection.”

The importance of having platonic non-monogamous friends also cannot be understated. Rare says that when going through a poly breakup, it’s essential to lean on your poly friends whose support will come from a place of understanding. “The most well-meaning person will support you through this, but if they are monogamous, there are just aspects of this that I think are really hard to understand,” says Rare. “What you don’t want to do is be in the middle of a really emotional heartbreak while having to educate someone monogamous that actually this is fine and normal in your particular circumstance.”

Ultimately, a successful poly split centres around communication. When 26-year-old A (who prefers to remain anonymous) went through a breakup in her triad two years ago, her relationship with the other partner ended up flourishing; they are now engaged. It wasn’t long before the pair, who remained monogamous to each other for a month, decided to incorporate more partners. “I have four partners currently: two fiancées and two regular partners,” A tells me.

Breakups, A says, are inevitable when you have seven different partners, which is why setting expectations is so important. “In the years I’ve been poly, I’ve never had an argument with my partners. Instead we discuss any problems openly,” she adds. “If you’re in a poly relationship and not talking through the issues you’re encountering, then you’re doing something wrong.”

Images: Getty

Heartbreak amplified: What it’s like going through a polyamorous breakup