Reflect on past experiences. Flynn says: “You have to have a look at what has caused you stress in the past and ask if you can put yourself through that again. You need to analyse what was problematic and what led to previous breakdowns in past relationships.” For example, if you were with a person who worked all the time in the past and this made you unhappy at the time, then a hard-line dealbreaker for you now might be dating someone who puts their job before you.
Examine your values. Flynn says: “Clarify your core values and think about what matters most to you in various aspects of life and then evaluate whether these behaviours align with or contradict your values.” For instance, like Sammy’s dealbreaker on people’s attitudes to religion.
Pay attention to your emotions. Flynn says: “Take note of how you respond to different situations or behaviours. Start to identify any patterns of discomfort, anxiety, or frustration that may signal a big fat red flag.” For example, if the way someone you’re dating talks to servers in restaurants makes you anxious, pay heed to that feeling.
Trust your gut. Flynn says: “Don’t ignore your instincts and gut feelings about people and circumstances. If something feels off, it’s often because it is.” It’s less about getting the ick and more about following your instincts.
Set personal boundaries. Flynn says: “Make clear boundaries for yourself in relationships, work, and personal life. Once you have these you can notice when these boundaries are crossed or compromised.” Simply put, the better you know yourself, the better you know what you want from a partner.
Consider what you want long-term. Flynn says: “Have a think about your long-term goals and aspirations and think about if these behaviours align with your future plans.” Like Livesey says, wanting kids or not isn’t a moral failing by any means, but wanting different things in this regard can be a pretty serious dealbreaker for people.
Regularly reassess and evaluate what you want. Flynn says: “As we grow we gain more self-awareness and experience and that means that your red flags and dealbreakers may change over time. When this happens you can just adjust accordingly.” So, using children as an example once again, you may well find that what you want changes with time, or your uncertainty becomes certainty one way or the other as the years go by.

*Name has been changed.

How to determine what’s a red flag and what’s a dealbreaker in a relationship