“I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship where I haven’t started to feel unsure at some point,” says Grace Boven, a 27-year-old copywriter based in London. “I love the excitement at the beginning of relationships. I love the giddiness and the buzz when you first get to know someone. But, when that stage wears off, my mind always turns to doubt, and I wonder if things will really work out long term.”

Boven has been single for five years, and while she’s dated a lot in that time, she says her relationships usually don’t last beyond the six month mark. “There have been people I’ve really got on with, but as time goes on I worry whether I can see myself spending the rest of my life with that person. It can feel lonely. Lots of my friends are in relationships; some are engaged. I know I’m reaching a point in my life when more people will start settling down and having children and it can be hard not to think there’s something wrong with me. Why can they find someone and it’s such a struggle for me? There are definitely people I think back on and wonder if I’d have given the relationship a chance perhaps it could have become something more.”

Boven is not alone. A 2023 paper published in Sage Journal, which purports to be the first systematic study of ambivalence and wellbeing in relationships, finds that “ambivalence is common and consequential” and “people in close relationships can, and often do, experience mixed feelings toward their romantic partner”. Further research also shows that ambivalence is often experienced toward our significant others more so than toward other people we do not feel very close to.

“I’m never sure they’re ‘the one’”: when does romantic ambivalence becomes self-sabotage – and how do you turn it around?