What if, when she told her partner that she was feeling really anxious, he had asked: “What do you think that’s about?” So often all that is needed is curiosity. In this scenario, he might have learned how she feels about her workload in the relationship – an important area to stay attuned to – and she might have learned about how she can make him upset and fearful by reacting coldly in arguments.

It’s not hard to see how getting this sort of thing wrong again and again can erode good feelings between a couple. My main piece of advice for a couple (assuming their arguments aren’t making one or both of them unsafe, in which case, it’s important to seek professional help) is simply to take the time after an argument to think – together – about what it was really about.

“What was it that made you so upset?” is an easy question that can help someone really learn something about their partner. It’s one worth asking next time an argument arises.

4 golden rules when it comes to addressing arguments about communication

Timing is everything. Don’t spring a difficult conversation on your partner – it’s bound to make them feel defensive. Put time aside to check in with each other and this will make it easier to bring up difficult feelings.

Be aware of your tone (and the impact it has). You may not think you sound critical to your partner, but if they hear you like that (and it reminds them of someone critical in their past), it’s going to trigger them every time.

Remember that you don’t have to agree with your partner to acknowledge what they are saying.

Always bring curiosity to a conversation. Asking what something means to someone, rather than telling them what you think something should mean, can be surprisingly fruitful and can really boost feelings of intimacy and affection.

The one argument all couples need to have, according to a relationship therapist