What is triangulation?

While you may not be familiar with the term, you’ve likely seen triangulation in action already. Maybe you’ve even engaged in it yourself: if you’ve ever been dragged into an argument to back someone up or involved a third-party in a spat in the hope that they’ll fight your corner, that’s triangulation. It’s often accidental, but that doesn’t stop it from being unhealthy, unhelpful and damaging to your relationships.

“Whether you intend it to be or not, triangulation is a manipulation tactic where an individual sets two people against each other to achieve an outcome that they want, such as creating conflict that deflects from their own part in a difficult situation or to instigate drama,” explains relationship therapist Rhian Kivits. As such, there are generally three roles in a triangulation: a persecutor or instigator, a victim and a rescuer, who often feels driven to fix the problems or resolve the conflict. But when a third person is brought in to take sides or broker peace, it’s easy to see how quickly a minor argument can spiral.

How to avoid the triangulation trap during arguments at Christmas